Pictures in My Head
by JannP
Summary: He's so not fine and he knows it.  He might as well admit it to himself and get it over with because this is all going to suck bad enough as it is.  One shot in Finn's head after Prom Queen.  Inspired by the song I Saw by Matt Nathanson.


**A/N: **Inspired by Finn's face/actions during Prom Queen and the song **I Saw **by **Matt Nathanson. Reviews=love.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee. Or much of anything else.

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><p><strong>Pictures in My Head<strong>

He lays back on the bed, tucking his hand back underneath his neck to cradle his head in spite of the pillow that's there. He hasn't even taken his tux off yet and he's pretty sure he's been here most of the night, like maybe daylight is trying to peek through the blinds if he would just open them. But his eyes were wide awake and that wasn't going to change any time soon and his eyes didn't want daylight and they couldn't really even _see_ anyway because of all the pictures in his head.

It had been a long time. He thought a year was a long time, but guesses now that it wasn't long enough. And he was _fine_, really he was just fine most of the time – as long as there was only one of them around. When both of them are here, he's just confused.

Like, he was supposed to be dancing with Quinn and loving Quinn and all he could hear was Rachel's voice and all he could hear was her broken heart and that was _not_ fine. He specifically avoided spending lots of time with her during the in-between, and when she told him it killed her (or she was dying inside and yes, he knew how it felt and he didn't know how he was enough to do that to her because if she was willing to kiss another guy just to hurt him obviously she didn't love him how he loves—shit, loved right?—her because he dies a little inside when he sees that look on her face and his inside loses an arm or something when he just thinks about it now) to see him dating, he thought he knew what she meant because he felt it. It took him a while to get used to just _not_ saying a name when they made out or not to try ducking down too far to kiss someone. And he was _fine, _really, he was. Most of the time he was fine, wasn't he?

Not really. There were little things, little bits and pieces of the mess they made everywhere around him, all the time. Quinn always watched Rachel and then as soon as she knew Rachel was watching, she would start to hang off of him. It was like the time Rachel had told him no hickeys on her neck even though that spot just above her collarbone was like the _perfect_ spot to kiss because then her body would push up against him and she—

….whatever. It doesn't really matter anymore. At least it _hadn't_ mattered 'til he'd seen her dancing and _laughing (_laughing, like, _what the hell Rachel why don't you remember what he did? We all remember, and watching you fix yourself after that sucked and the ones of us who love you still remember and still want to beat the shit out of him for it because slashing tires and then working our guts out to repay $20,000 til your tire-shop-owning stepdad cuts in and makes a "donation" doesn't even take care of that frustration so back to the original question and just what the fuck do you think you're doing to me?)_

Ugh. He's so not fine and he knows it. He might as well admit it to himself and get it over with because this is all going to suck bad enough as it is.

Like, when Rachel is there. Okay. Sitting in the truck when they thought Quinn was cheating with Sam—and okay, maybe he should see something like that coming from a mile away but whatever because it kind of feels like maybe him and Quinn are supposed to be together because maybe last time was just an accident or something. He doesn't know, but it feels like going back is the only way to undo the way he just couldn't breathe for a while. He's had that feeling twice and if there's anything _he_ did to make them cheaters, then he has to undo it so he doesn't go crazy.

He can still say he's not crazy even if his head is going a thousand miles an hour. Maybe he shouldn't have ragged on Puck so much for the NASCAR stuff because he's definitely going around this same track in circles or ovals or what the hell ever else.

He lets out a long breath and tries to start over. When he was sitting in the truck with Rachel, it was the first time in a long time it was just really _them._ Even when she was singing songs that were hilarious and he had to find a way to not actually pay attention because he_ knew_ laughing wasn't the way to go because he had done that to her once too much when she didn't realize she was being funny and…the long breath wasn't enough to really start over. He lets out a sigh. That's a little better.

So the truck was the first time they'd been alone together in a long time, really really alone, and it was really nice and it was all fine until he felt that feeling, that queasy, rocky, fluttering thing he does when he can smell her and she's talking and just patiently explaining and she's not correcting him or…or…damn it, _why_ does she have to be the only one who doesn't treat him like he's stupid when he asks her to explain things to him? And sometimes he doesn't have to ask, she just knows. Like when she explains that he'll forgive whatever crap Quinn puts him through because Quinn's his first love. He didn't feel like laughing at all when she said that because she looked away and then she just kind of stopped talking after that and it was about fifteen kinds of awkward because the words on the tip of his tongue were that it was still to be determined if that was true.

He didn't know if Quinn was his first love because for a good long time he'd had the sneaking suspicion that he had only been headed toward loving Quinn when all the stuff happened during their first go-around and yeah…that had been bad to try getting over, honestly. But now, now when he was with Rachel in the truck and she said that he wanted to blurt out that he'd already forgiven _her_ but the problem with that was then there was just the spot. This stupid spot in his chest that ached when he saw her and like, was a chestache _a thing_? Because he thought it might be his thing and he was going to just walk around like that for his whole life. He knew if he got over it, he would be some kind of medical miracle. So he went back to the beginning and tried to sort out what he did wrong and…

…was that what Rachel was doing? Because she was going to kill him in the process. His chestache would turn into a chest-stop or something and he would just be dead.

He thinks it might've almost happened a couple times already. Like whenever he says how he thinks he feels, she just doesn't answer him. That's happened a couple of times now too. Well, the first time was in front of the whole class when she was talking about that _insane_ nose job and is she crazy? He kissed her nose and told her he liked it when she smiled so hard it wrinkled a little and…was she that excited to just erase all that? Did she want to forget the way his mouth felt on her? Did she want to just _forget?_

Because he couldn't forget. For a while that had been all he wanted because he knew what it looked like to make out with her and he knew how it felt, and whenever he painted those pictures in his head, then he would make another picture like it was photoshop or something and Puck would be the one kissing her and it made him want to throw up. And then punch something. And then probably throw up again. And when he kissed Quinn well… that went away for a minute. It had been a long time since he'd been stuck in that cycle with her and it was _so_ _nice_ to feel something or see something that wasn't a picture of his girlfriend cheating. He could ignore the fact it wasn't his new current sort-of girlfriend in the new pictures then. And eventually…it was like he forgot about it all together.

But then she sang a song and it ripped everything open. He tried, he _really_ tried, and it at least ripped kind of slow. He held on tight to Quinn and Prom Queen…King..whatever, he never gave a shit about that but he _did_ give a shit about not falling apart and not totally losing it in front of half the world (or the whole school or whatever) but even Quinn couldn't keep him from losing it over Rachel. And he didn't cheat this time—he was trying really hard not to—because repeating the circle would defeat the purpose of…whatever. When you had a second chance you shouldn't do the exact same thing with it, right? There was some saying Coach said – _if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten_.

So why did it feel like he was doing it _again_ and getting it _again_?

With Quinn, it was like a straight line. They didn't go around and around, they just went _on_. With Rachel, it felt like bigger circles and smaller circles and circle after circle and he was kind of dizzy from it all. Like last time, he dumped her and she sang a kiss-off song about how she wanted him to see her face and for him to hurt. This time, he dumped her (he had _reasons_, all right, it wasn't that simple because it's never that simple when you're part of something special and then someone special just rips it right out of your hand or out of your chest and leaves you with a chestache) and she sang him a song. If there had been anything left for her to take from him, she would've done it during that song. He actually hated that song because the girl on the radio was a tuneless idiot, but now he hated it because of the way Rachel looked at him when she was singing it. Who does he think he is? He just doesn't know and maybe that's the problem but it never seemed like _her_ problem.

Is it so wrong for him to want it to be kind of like it was before? The first circle _was _good for his ego in some ways, when she was chasing him and she was all bright and happy and a hundred miles an hour. These circles go too fast. She was an open book to him that time. He knew what she was thinking. He always knew what she was thinking and she had proven time and again that she knew what _he_ was thinking. It seemed like she still knew what he was thinking.

But he had no idea what she was thinking because every time he tried to find out, she either didn't answer or she changed the subject or she walked away or…sometimes it was more than one. She used to be this big ball of energy that would stomp away from him. Now she just sort of went and she would blend into the crowd and it was just sad and wrong and she shined brightly and she worked hard for that so how could she just _walk_ away?

He had learned _something_ though and when he heard the rumor from one of the AV kids about Jesse and Rachel in the auditorium singing, he had gone straight to her even though he wanted to go hit something. That was one circle he did _not _want to repeat and hadn't she learned _anything_? That kid was trouble and he was a total asshole and she deserved so much better and… he was burning and so mad when he finally went to talk to her and all he could think about was how much he cares about her and he didn't want to see her get hurt like that again and…she wouldn't even _try_ to see why he was doing it. She wouldn't even try to listen. He tells her he cares and all she tells him is that it isn't his job anymore. She doesn't say she cares. In the last circle, her face would've lit up when he said that and she would've smiled but this time she just kind of looked away and she didn't _say_ anything and she didn't _do_ anything except tell him he was killing her.

Great. That was what he had wanted to hear.

But he couldn't just _stay away_ and he wanted to bash his head against a wall at the restaurant when he could see Rachel watching Jesse talk and nodding in time with her agreement with whatever lameness was coming out of his mouth and then Quinn had insisted they go say hello like—why would you walk into that hornet's nest, Quinn? Two exes at that table and he was the dirtbag who had pulled her away from Sam when Sam really loved her just for his own wanting to redo the circles and repaint the pictures and…just…Rachel had fire in her eyes when he was talking to Jesse and why, _why_ was she wasting all that fire on that stupid douchebag? When he looked back at her it just…the chestache kind of ripped open and it _hurt_. He couldn't pretend it didn't hurt anymore.

It was easy to nod along and chat with Quinn because she never really talked about the _important_ stuff and then the Prom on a Budget table left and it was a little easier to breathe and to pretend he didn't see Jesse's hand on Rachel's back and he could pretend for a while that it didn't make him want to rip Jesse's stupid fingers off one at a time and shove them down that fucker's throat 'til he choked.

So yeah it was easy enough when he was with Quinn or with Rachel but when they were all together in the same place, it was not so easy. The circles weren't clear, all the lines were blurred, and he didn't know what to do. He had thought when Rachel agreed to go with him to the motel, or when she asked him to play drums during her song, he had thought he was getting back in. He had thought they were getting back to being friends. He kind of thought they were starting over.

It was awkward after her song at Regionals because he knows he loves her and that's kind of never been the problem. It's the other stuff, the other problems, just the others and all the song made him do was hurt because sure she'd screwed up but he had too and he knew that and…whatever it was with them it wasn't simple and he didn't totally understand it so he just kind of left it alone for a while. He just needed time to catch up. Now that he was caught up, it looked like she had moved on instead of just catching up. But was it moving on if she was repeating like he was?

Then again, she wasn't repeating. _She_ was different. It wasn't hard to see she wasn't the same girl he had fallen in love with. She had changed and mellowed and…and she didn't _need_ him for that. She didn't hang on his words or hang on him the way she used to or the way Quinn did now. Was it so wrong that he _wanted_ her to?

And then…then there was the song. The song at prom and the way she was looking at him and he wanted to run up there and tell her it was all bullshit and he wasn't that guy and she had _broken him first_ and it wasn't fair for her to act like it was all his fault but…but maybe he needed to at least apologize for his part in all of it because it wasn't like he was totally blameless, right? Maybe then she would love him again. He didn't mean to hurt her. He meant the opposite. He meant to protect her and to just…to just love her. He didn't mean to screw it all up. And he didn't meant to go so long without telling her how sorry he was. Maybe if he did that, she would save him from repeating and hurting and…

He sighs and his eyes slip closed and _man_ maybe he _is_ tired finally. But when he closes his eyes, all he can see is her laughing and Jesse kissing that spot on her neck and her laughing and doing that girl thing where she pretended to push him away but there was no strength behind it and the movement pushed her hips into his and he had kissed her that way so many times and she had laughed and…_fuck_. He rubs his hands over his face. Between the red and the remembering, he'd barely even seen Jesse at all when he confronted them and everything happened so fast and they both got kicked out and out in the hall, Jesse hadn't said a word. He'd just walked away with that stupid smirk and a shake of his head.

_She's not your girlfriend._

Yeah, he knew that. But it still felt like she was _his_ and the title didn't matter. She still feels like his. He still wants her to be his. He's pretty sure she doesn't want that but maybe he wants it enough for both of them. He wants her to be all alive and pretty and full of ideas and trusting and he wants all these pictures to be happening and not be past and he just…he wants. Is that so wrong? He wants to stop forgetting and he wants to stop all the remembering from slamming into him like a truck when he least expects it, like at the prom when she's singing or dancing or laughing. He wants to stop feeling fire in the chestache when she sings. He wants to stop waiting for her to say something when he says something true. He wants to … he wants her to just _fix it_ already. He needs her to save him. He needs her to…

It just got away from him _so fast_. He wasn't done with it yet. He _isn't_ done with it yet. But she might be. He doesn't want her to be, but the whole point they had both struggled to learn before was you can't _make_ someone else do something. You can't make them go away, you can't make them stay, you can't _make _them. Life is a bunch of choices and you just can't make them.

He needs someone to make him do something. This just isn't working. He just needs to stop thinking about her. He needs to forget about her and stick to the circles, stick to starting at the beginning and doing it right. He needs to stop waiting for her to rescue him because maybe she's trying to rescue herself.

_Oh_.

He never really thought maybe she felt the same, but he might get it. And he definitely doesn't want her to feel, seeing him with Quinn, the way he felt tonight. He doesn't want her to feel like she needs a nose job or she needs to sing something that hurts. He just wants her to feel happy and healthy and whole and like…like her larger-than-life self. He wants her to _feel_ like he cares about her because he does—_so much_. And since she won't say anything, maybe he shouldn't say anything either. Maybe he should just _show_ her.

He'll have to think about it more. All this thinking and fighting and these pictures have made him so tired. Now that he's forgotten to forget her, he knows what's going to happen anyway. The pictures will turn into movies and he'll see her when he's asleep. He can't ever _totally_ forget about her and at least the dreams are from when they were happy because his subconscious isn't trying to kill him like his memory is.

And it will probably feel just a little bit like she's saving him from himself and his worry again. It's just the start of another circle. But if he can stay in these circles maybe, just maybe, everything will be all right eventually.


End file.
